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Welcome To Patchwork

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Welcome to Patchwork is a Melbourne comedy podcast that thinks too hard about the monotony of life.

by Christian, Dion and Josh

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Welcome To Patchwork

About Welcome To Patchwork

Welcome to Patchwork is a Melbourne comedy podcast that thinks too hard about the monotony of life. Christian Pisasale, Dion Factor and Joshua Porter debate the obvious, challenge social conventions and improvise sketches, more concerned with the crumbs than the cookie. Have you ever wondered whether it's acceptable to bring food to someone's house and take it home if nobody ate it? Then you're in good company. Nominated for 'Best Comedy' at the Australian Podcast Awards in 2018 and 2019.

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Starting from the beginning? The oldest episode in the feed: Patch #0 - Welcome to "Welcome To Patchwork".

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Episodes

New episodes usually come out every two weeks.188 episodes
  1. Nov 10, 2026 · 36 min

    Patch #167 - Do You Dry Your Hands After You Wash Them?

    You buy dinner for the table. You also, unprompted, buy everyone a drink. When the "what do we owe you?" messages start arriving that night, are the drinks part of the bill, or have you quietly shouted a round? Christian has a position. Christian also has a running lifetime deficit. And when you do pay someone back - do you pull up the menu and get it exact, or do you eyeball it and round up? Is it rude to request…

  2. Oct 27, 2026 · 32 min

    Patch #166 - Should You Always Tip A Busker?

    You find a phone on the footpath. You're fairly sure you know whose it is, you're fairly sure they're already long gone, and you've got a sandwich that isn't getting any fresher. How much of your Sunday afternoon do you owe a stranger? Josh has a story, a timeline, and a defence he's prepared to mount. Then: a man playing guitar in a gravel car park to an audience of about four, giving it absolutely everything.…

  3. Oct 13, 2026 · 38 min

    Patch #165 - Do You Pump Your Tyres Before A Long Drive?

    Do you pump your tyres before a long drive? Josh does - two and a half hours out of town and the mental checklist kicks in, windscreen wipers included. Christian has owned his car for some number of months he'd rather not commit to and has never once checked the pressure. One of these men is doing routine maintenance. The other reckons that if tyre pressure really mattered, you'd see more people doing it at the…

  4. Sep 8, 2026 · 39 min

    Patch #164 - Do You Confidently Sing Along To Songs?

    How long can you refrain from opening a package delivered to your house? Josh managed several hours and a car trip, which Dion considers admirable restraint and Christian considers a moment that stopped being a moment about a decade ago. Is there any wonder left in a parcel arriving at your door, or have we ordered that feeling out of existence? And what do you do with a person whose reaction to everything you say…

  5. Aug 25, 2026 · 32 min

    Patch #163 - Do People Think You Look Your Age?

    Do people think you look your age? Christian's been forced to find out the hard way after a shaving mishap wipes out an entire winter's worth of beard growth in one accidental swipe - and the office small talk that followed was brutal. Does more hair genuinely buy you a few extra years of guessing wrong? And is "you look different" ever actually a compliment? Then: how much is too much when it comes to eating a…

Earlier episodes (183)
  1. Aug 11, 2026 Patch #162 - Are You Obliged To Visit A Friend's New Home?
    Would you eat a piece of gum that's been rattling loose in your pocket for a week? Dion has strong feelings on the matter, plus a backstory involving bulk-buying half a kilo of gum pellets to avoid the little plastic tubs. There's a genuine attempt to establish exactly where the hygiene line sits and whether a hard outer shell is doing any of the work Dion thinks it is. Then: what actually makes a piece of free…
  2. Jul 28, 2026 Patch #161 - Do You Deserve Credit For Organising A Group Gift?
    Josh admits he doesn't know his grandfather's name. Doesn't know when he was born, doesn't know where he lived. Is that fair enough, or is it something he should know? More clear-cut is Josh never computing that his parents had grandparents.  Then Josh gets thanked for a birthday gift he had absolutely nothing to do with. His housemate Georgia did all the work, and Josh signed his name on the card. How do you…
  3. Jul 14, 2026 Patch #160 - Do You Trust a Warning Sign?
    Are you a rule follower, or is a warning sign more of a suggestion? Josh finds himself stuck behind a temporary fence on a coastal walk while everyone in front of him just strolls straight past it - is that healthy scepticism of authority, or something else entirely? Is a road sign a genuine safety measure, or the government covering its own back? And does "keep off the grass" deserve more respect than any other…
  4. Jun 30, 2026 Patch #159 - Do You Prefer To Sit Next To, Or Opposite Someone?
    Dion ordered himself something at Hungry Jack's by tacking it onto Josh's order, and Josh has been holding onto the receipt ever since. The boys try to work out whether the principle is worth more than the money ($6.90 to be exact). Then Christian wants to know: if you change tables at a restaurant, should the same seating order be kept? And should you take your water glass with you when you move tables? What about…
  5. Jun 16, 2026 Patch #158 - Is A 'Maybe' RSVP Actually A 'No'?
    Josh has run the numbers on his 40th RSVPs and discovers what every host secretly suspects: a "maybe" is a "no", a non-reply is a "no", and even the yeses can't be trusted. Then Dion gets pulled into the strange social grey zone between a Marketplace transaction and a friendship. The buyer wants to grab a coffee. Is it a networking move? A genuine friendship bid? And how long can you sit on a reply before silence…
  6. Jun 2, 2026 Patch #157 - If You Drop A Chopstick, Should You Ask For A New One?
    Josh drops a chopstick at a restaurant and, without thinking, flags down the waiter for a new one. Dion and Christian are baffled. To them, you pick it up, you wipe it, and then you keep eating. To Josh, that's grub behaviour! We try to work out where the line is between sensible hygiene and prissy fussing, and whether wiping a fork on your t-shirt actually does anything. Then Christian gets pulled up over a…
  7. May 19, 2026 Patch #156 - Can You Uninvite A 'Plus One'?
    If someone offers you a hot cross bun and it arrives without fruit, have you been deceived? Christian thinks his mum needs to manage expectations better. Josh argues hot cross buns have evolved into a category, like pizza, and you should be able to ask for the variant you want. And Dion wonders why a baker's dozen exists in the first place. The boys settle nothing. Josh has booked himself into a 40th birthday…
  8. May 5, 2026 Patch #155 - Should You Eat A Bad Sandwich Out Of Politeness?
    If you take a sandwich from a shared platter and discover you hate it, are you allowed to throw it out, or are you obligated to keep eating? Josh found himself in this exact situation with a salmon sandwich and chose to power through, whilst retching. The boys try to work out what kind of brain damage leads a man to that decision, and whether finishing your plate is a matter of politeness or a personality flaw.…
  9. Apr 21, 2026 Patch #154 - Should a Gift Voucher Cover the Entire Gift?
    Should you accept a "congrats" for buying a house? What about moving into a rental? The boys try to work out where the line sits between earned achievement and a windfall you didn't quite deserve. Then a debate about gift vouchers - specifically, the ethics of giving someone a voucher worth less than the service it's meant for. And should you have to factor in a plus-one when buying someone an experience? And at…
  10. Apr 7, 2026 Patch #153 - Does Listening to a Book Count?
    Christian notices that some of the old European men in his neighbourhood have netted their fruit trees - but left others completely uncovered. Does that mean the uncovered ones are fair game? At what point does abundance become an invitation? And is it trespassing if you're just grabbing a lemon? The boys try to draw the line between community generosity and petty theft, working through the hierarchy of who…
  11. Mar 24, 2026 Patch #152 - Is Sewing A Button A Basic Skill?
    Why won't Josh commit to an arrival time? When he says "I'm 25 minutes away," is that best practice or is it just forcing everyone else to do maths? And at what point does "I'm heading off now" become a riddle? This week, a friend's shirt button pops off and ignites a surprisingly heated argument about what counts as a basic skill. Can you sew a button? Should you be able to? The boys try to define where the line…
  12. Mar 10, 2026 Patch #151 - Where Do You Wait For Friends Outside The Toilets?
    We're back! After 160 days away, a refreshed studio, and some very big life updates, we ease back into the important stuff - like underwear. Josh is staring down the barrel of doubling his underwear usage, and he doesn't like it. Christian walks us through his two-pair rotation system while Dion tries to map out the maths. How many pairs do you own? When do you retire a pair with a hole in it? And would you ever…
  13. Sep 16, 2025 Patch #150 Livestream - Is This How You Celebrate 150 Episodes?
    After eight years, 150 episodes and approximately one and a half Bibles worth of words, Christian, Dion and Josh gather to celebrate the tangled quilt they’ve been slowly unravelling since 2017. This very special Patch, recorded live on YouTube on September 10, 2025 , is best experienced by watching rather than listening. Here's a link to the YouTube livestream recording . How have three friends managed to…
  14. Aug 5, 2025 Patch #149 – Do You Know How Loudly You Chew?
    We begin with Josh’s so-called “worst idea ever”: a heated debate about monitor timeout settings that morphs into a discussion about energy saving, screen burn, and whether you can feel your password in your fingers. Then Dion unveils a mysterious crack on his phone’s screen protector—but can’t recall how it happened. Josh is appalled. Christian is strangely sympathetic. Later,…
  15. Jul 22, 2025 Patch #148 - Do You Panic When A Ball Rolls Your Way?
    With Dion back on the mic, we begin by questioning his curious choice to take place his call in another room but on speaker. This quickly turns into a debate about phone etiquette, hands-free habits, and whether Dion’s long-standing fear of mobile radiation is paranoia or just good prep. We also examine the strange acoustics of speaker mics, the performance of whispering taxi drivers, and the phone-in-bra…
  16. Jul 8, 2025 Patch #147 - Patch Full O' Scraps
    From coughing fits to crusty sourdoughs, this episode is made entirely of scraps - old notes, fleeting thoughts, and the kinds of ponderings that once felt too small, too odd, or too unworthy to make the cut. But today, they shine. In this rapid-fire, patchwork-style patch, we discuss: The weird intimacy of bringing a list of topics to dinner Why Christian thinks fridges have made us forget the meaning of "fresh"…
  17. Jun 24, 2025 Patch #146 - Do You Bring Your Bins In On Time?
    Christian finally gets his ear pierced — but what does it mean to permanently alter your body? Is it self-expression, a longing for transformation, or simply an overdue homage to a bodybuilding uncle from childhood? Meanwhile, Josh is quietly seething at his neighbours who refuse to bring their bins in — but is it really about the bins, or about the unspoken social contract we all silently agree to…
  18. Jun 10, 2025 Patch #145 - Do You Trust Friends To Look After Your Pets?
    With Dion away, Christian and Josh settle in for a two-hander that begins with Christian’s recent holiday — and the logistical challenge of who would feed the cats. Christian reveals he enlisted six different friends (including Josh) and provided an extensive PDF detailing every aspect of Moe and Gus’s care. We unpack the line between thoughtful preparation and over-engineering. Is it helpful or…
  19. May 27, 2025 Patch #144 - Are You Confident Licking An Ice-cream?
    We begin this patch with Josh recounting a recent trip to the Great Australian Beer Spectacular and Dion arriving at the wrong venue, shitting himself. Which kicks off a discussion about lateness, accountability, and how best to communicate when you're running behind. Should you send an ETA, or photographic proof of your position? Is sharing a live location too passive? And do you owe other people in the queue an…
  20. May 13, 2025 Patch #143 - Should You Answer An Unknown Number?
    How do you answer a phone call from someone you know? Christian insists on full name protocol, Josh still lives in landline times, and Dion’s trying to avoid getting deepfaked by AI. We discuss phone etiquette, voicemail anxiety, and the emotional scars of group chats that never end. Then it’s off to Plenty Gorge, where Christian wears sensible activewear and Josh casually turns up in jeans. We question…
  21. Apr 1, 2025 Patch #142 - Where Do Mice Sleep?
    Christian’s car is on empty, Josh’s brain is on husk, and Dion thinks a mouse has a mortgage. Christian kicks things off by pushing his car well past the fuel light, trusting the mysterious dot-dot-dot to get him home. Josh prefers a more conservative two-thirds–full approach, and Dion shares his experience of running out of petrol almost within reach of the bowser. We compare our refuelling…
  22. Mar 18, 2025 Patch #141 - Do You Dread Waking Up In The Morning?
    Dion has finally succumbed to caffeine dependency, and Christian and Josh interrogate his new addiction. What makes a good coffee order? Why does Dion refuse to learn the difference between a flat white and a cappuccino? Meanwhile, Christian grapples with existential dread every morning, and Josh suggests he simply “get in the shower.” We question whether professional athletes should thank water…
  23. Mar 4, 2025 Patch #140 - How Much Pizza Should You Order?
    In this Patch, we crown pizza as the best party food for a large group of people before trying to define some rules around quantity, presentation and flavour. Christian feels that hosts must announce the arrival of the pizza to the party, Dion reflects on the pathetic image of guests hovering around unopened pizza boxes and we collectively ask if any other food could act in pizza's place. Josh then recounts a…
  24. Feb 17, 2025 Patch #139 - Have You Ever Walked Away From A Queue?
    Dion and Christian argue over whether someone can feel proud of arriving to a location on time. Josh tries to share a frustrating experience of being stuck in a queue that wasn't moving at the Australian Open but neither Dion or Christian can understand what he's saying. After some translating, we discuss the circumstances that might make someone leave a queue early and whether those circumstances change when…
  25. Feb 4, 2025 Patch #138 - Do You Have Unreasonably High Expectations?
    We're back with Season 10! Misdelivered packages, passive-aggressive laundry, and the correct way to clean a percolator. This week Dion's Rooibos Challenge for a Fridge Friend takes a turn for the ethically ambiguous. Josh reveals the depths of his percolator cleanliness standards, and Dion confronts Christian on his plan to install roller shutters and 24/7 security cameras in his new home. Are they a symbol of…
  26. Dec 17, 2024 Patch #137 - Should You Mow Your Neighbour's Nature Strip?
    After 27 weeks, 3 additional kilos and no ageing, Dion is back in the Patchwork Studio! He tells us some brothy stories of his culinary experiences and recalls an awkwardly silent breakfast experience at a hostel. We then discuss what factors make for a positive hostel experience - is atmosphere or cleanliness more important? Does that answer change if some of the other guests absolutely stink? Christian gets…
  27. Dec 3, 2024 Patch #136 - Do You Read The Other Messages In A Farewell Card?
    After countless people telling him to get one, Christian has finally purchased an air fryer and won't shut up about it! But what really is an air fryer? Is it just small oven? Is small oven better cook reddit? As the discussion develops, both Christian and Josh lose the ability to form full sentences but manage to discuss the research and development behind air fryer pre configured modes. For your main course, how…
  28. Nov 19, 2024 Patch #135 - Are You Good At Napping?
    After another lengthy break, Josh and Christian are back in the WTP studio and the first thing they can think to talk about is how podcast consumption aint what it used to be. It's all content, content, content these days! Maybe if we posted a little more regularly, we would actually have some content to turn into clips. Christian kicks off the 'content' by recalling a recent interaction with a colleague/friend of…
  29. Sep 3, 2024 Patch #134 - Can You Handle Silence In Conversations?
    We have wiped away the emotional cobwebs of the Depression Sessions and are ready for a little more unstructured fun. Christian picks up on Josh's brute force attempt to bring colour to the podcast before we both become self-conscious of our most overused phrases. We quickly move onto discussing workplace attire and some of the characters in our workplaces. Is there anything wrong with wearing an oodie to work? Is…
  30. Aug 20, 2024 Patch #133 - The Depression Sessions (Frankly Mr Chatly)
    On a cold Monday night in August 2024, tired from just existing, Josh and Christian decided to record Patch 133, "The Depression Sessions" aka Frankly Mr Chatly. For any first time listeners, this is not the Patch for you. Christian and Josh reflect on winter and the sadness of realising that you're already half way through the year. Christian and Josh then exchange some stories from a night out the week before;…
  31. Aug 6, 2024 Patch #132 - Is Your Fridge Overflowing With Half Filled Jars? ft. Nelson Allingham
    Christian and Josh are joined in the Patchwork studio by the handsome and hilarious Nelson Allingham, host of the Read It On Reddit podcast. Christian welcomes Nelson by confessing that he often passively listens to his podcast while completing chores before tragically revealing that he prematurely retired one of his jumpers from rotation by wearing it to bed. Nelson sympathises and offers a compromise of sleeping…
  32. Jul 23, 2024 Patching Up With Dion in Japan
    While they were busy lining up the next Patchwork guest host, Christian and Josh decided to kill two birds with one stone and turned their long overdue catch up with Dion into content for the podcast. Through the miracle of "internet", Dion joins Christian and Josh in the studio to talk through some highlights from his trip including visiting an active volcano, repelling black bears with a bell, buffet breakfasts,…
  33. Jul 9, 2024 Patch #131 - Where Does A Used Teaspoon Go? ft. Nat Harris
    Christian and Josh are joined by the supremely talented comedian Nat Harris for Patch 131! Nat is about to perform a replay of her Melbourne International Comedy Festival show "Lathered" at Comedy Republic on Tuesday July 16. Purchase tickets through the Comedy Republic website! We kick off the episode by fighting about who has a better 'natural' reading voice before Nat reveals that she bleeds from the eyes and…
  34. Jun 25, 2024 Patch #130 - Do You Make Offers You Can't Keep? ft. Michael Campbell
    Michael "Cambo" Campbell of Cancelled Movie Report and Read It On Reddit joins Josh and Christian and is immediately attached for his nickname and the silent "p" in his surname. Don't we treat our guests well! Christian kicks off proceedings by asking Cambo and Josh what they would do if someone asked to grant them access to a building that required fob access. Would you let them in and then assume they were up to…
  35. Jun 11, 2024 Patch #129 - What's Your Approach To Taking A Sick Day? ft. Laura Dunemann
    While Dion is away, the cats will play! And these cats have decided to invite veteran of the comedy scene and Patchwork's first ever repeat guest co-host, Laura Dunemann, onto the podcast! We kick off Patch 129 by making Christian feel more self conscious about his most recent Uniqlo purchase, an Arctic white turtleneck jumper. He's a Christmas rom-com cameo, he's exploring the Polar ice-caps and he's a villainous…
  36. May 21, 2024 Patreon Bonus - Do You Wear Shoes Around The House?
    Surprise, main feed Patchworkers! Get a taste of what the Patreon subscribers are receiving every fortnight with this weeks Bonus Patch. Join for as little as $2 a month to support the show and guarantee yourself some Patchwork every week. Jump onto patreon.com/welcometopatchwork In this Bonus Patch, Josh kicks off by asking Dion and Christian what's going on their feet first thing in the morning. Are you wearing…
  37. May 14, 2024 Patch #128 - What Are the Signs You've Overstayed Your Welcome?
    This Patch starts with Josh expressing concern over his own reaction to a message chain in the Patchwork thread. Christian and Dion can't hold back their pride for a Josh looking to grow and learn. We scratch the surface of Josh's brain and try to understand whether it's to react with frustration to a text message that is checking up on you. Is it harder than ever to interact with friends via messaging? Why do we…
  38. Apr 30, 2024 Patch #127 - Is A Sniff More Annoying Than A Cough?
    Christian is sick! He's sick and selfish. He begins the Patch by telling Josh and Dion about the poor decision he made to ride public transport while sick and the consequent pressure of having to 'cover up' his illness. After some light berating, we get to the heart of the matter, which is more annoying, a sniff? Or a cough? And what makes it annoying? The frequency? The sound? And do we dare discuss sneezing? We…
  39. Apr 16, 2024 Patch #126 - Are You Ever Obliged To Give Up A Parking Spot?
    Christian found a fantastic parking spot opposite the church at his nephew’s christening but isn’t sure whether the spot should be reserved for immediate family. Dion quickly finds a parallel to another moment Christian found a premium parking spot on the day of his auction. Does the finders keepers rule apply to parking spots? Or should you be considerate of those who may need to spot more than you? We then…
  40. Apr 2, 2024 Patch #125 - Do You Confidently Slice Food In Half?
    Christian has finally found the elderly neighbours he’s been looking for and, typically, they came in the form of a bowl of tomatoes. Dion questions the neighbours' motives and warns Christian by recounting the parable of his neighbour in sheep’s clothing. We then chat about rubbish collection and Josh laments finding a mystery coffee cup at the bottom of your freshly emptied bin. Are you confident when cutting…
  41. Mar 19, 2024 Patch #124 - How Should You Subtly Glance At Someone?
    Ohhhhh wow! We're back from 7 months off and we're out of practice. We kick off by recalling a micro highlight from our trips abroad: Christian visited a Christian themed amusement park, Dion visited a capybara themed amusement park for ducks and Josh watched a man interact with natural history. Christian starts the episode proper by lamenting his ability to casually organise an event. Are you someone who can…
  42. Aug 1, 2023 Goodbye...for now
    Dearest Patchworkers, we're taking a bit of a break. Christian is doing some extended travel so there won't be regular releases for pretty much the rest of the year. We can't thank you enough for your support over the last 6 years. Looking forward to being back in your favourite podcatcher sometime again in the future. But for the moment, it's goodbye. Big hugs and three loud kisses oxxx Support the show:…
  43. Jul 18, 2023 Patch #123 - How Should You Kill Time At A Chemist?
    Christian receives a mysterious hand gesture from a concerned citizen but manages to decipher it. We also ponder the age old question - what's the difference between 'tips' and 'advice'? Christian's psych definitely got it wrong when asked about travel tips. This conversation devolves into Christian and Dion bullying Josh for having the audacity to talk to his friends about things that he is passionate about. Dion…
  44. Jul 4, 2023 Patch #122 - Is It Rude To Text Someone During A Speech?
    Christian questions whether Josh can sell his abandoned basketball for profit. He's simply a man looking for answers. Josh's comedy group Game Boys won a freakin Green Room Award ! So we discuss what genuine surprises we still have in life and if it's rude to send messages and be on social media during a speech. Finally Christian tells the longwided story of an old man bumping him on the train. Do we give elderly…
  45. Jun 20, 2023 Patch #121 - Are You Easily Embarrassed In Public?
    Christian and Josh open this episode with a rather frank discussion about the many hairstyles of the artist P!NK. We explore the unspoken bravery of dying her hair blonde and her notoriety in Australia. Christian then finds a subtle way to tell Josh he's balding and shouldn't colour his hair. Josh then tells us about his new job delivering groceries and the torture of having to relearn how to drive a manual…
  46. Jun 6, 2023 Patch #120 - Do You Shake Hands With Friends?
    Josh hosted another party and this time he's taking aim at those partygoers who take other people's drinks. Is it expected that the host will supply drinks? Should you be precious about the drinks you bring to a party? Dion then asks Christian and Josh for the right context in which a handshake is the right greeting? Is there a more appropriate embrace for a friend? Do you feel comfortable hugging a stranger? We…
  47. May 23, 2023 Patch #119 - Should You Wait For Others Before Eating?
    We’re back, again! Jeez, we spend a lot time not recording this podcast. Anyway, you get what you’re given. If you want more, become a Patreon! This Patch opens with Dion telling us about his recent trip to Texas and a close call with a tornado. We then discuss people who think they’re cool for not liking nature and using TikTok to follow live events. Christian then recalls a time that he went for dinner with a…
  48. May 10, 2023 PatchGPT
    Prepare for an outrageous and side-splitting comedy experience in this special episode of our podcast! Brace yourself for a laughter-filled adventure as the entire episode has been crafted by the comedic genius of ChatGPT, the AI language model with an uncanny knack for humour. Get ready to be entertained by a non-stop barrage of jokes, humorous anecdotes, and hilarious situations. ChatGPT's algorithmic wit will…
  49. Apr 4, 2023 Patch #118 - Do You Need Total Darkness To Fall Asleep?
    Open wide and come inside! For this Patch, we've each written a new catchphrase that we'll drop into the episode at an appropriate time (and by appropriate time, we mean somewhere in the first 10 minutes because we were all too excited to hold on to them). Christian asks Josh and Dion to be a sounding board about a prank played on his friend's mum. We then wonder, who are pranks for? Are they ever funny? Is a prank…
  50. Mar 21, 2023 Patch #117 - Do You Make New Plans After An Event Is Cancelled?
    Josh is woken up by the incessant banging of some tradesmen and Christian and Dion wonder whether this could be improving Josh's life. We then discuss why tradies need to start work so early? Christian then tells Josh and Dion about feeling relief about an upcoming event being cancelled. He sees the night now as 'free' and able to be reclaimed as a night off - Josh and Dion think the right course of action is to…
  51. Mar 7, 2023 Patch #116 - How Much Finger Food Can You Take From A Tray?
    Josh calls out Dion for asking a friend to hotspot internet so he could top up his phone credit, Dion vehemently tries to defend himself by revealing that he actually purchased his sim card from a supermarket. It becomes clear that no one is right and we've wasted each others time and energy; much like all the Welcome to Patchwork episodes. Christian went to his cousin's 30th and his only take away from the evening…
  52. Feb 21, 2023 Patch #115 - How Do You Find The Toilet In A Restaurant?
    Christian kicks off this episode by wishing himself an early happy birthday and then asks Dion and Josh how they feel about receiving 'happy birthday' messages before their actual birthday. Does receiving an early birthday message change the sentiment? Or is it the same as receiving it on the day? Are you annoyed when someone asks you where the toilets are in a restaurant? This is what Christian confronted Josh…
  53. Feb 7, 2023 Patch #114 - When Do You Save Someone As A Contact?
    We're back for Season 8 baby! To kick it all off, Christian takes aim at Josh for giving him 1 hour to confirm he was available for a catchup before making other plans. Josh tell us about his frustration at some unsaved numbers in a friendly WhatsApp thread which leads us to ask - when should you add someone as a contact in your phone? What makes a person worthy of contact status? After exploring what the threshold…
  54. Jan 24, 2023 Patch #113 - How To Handle The Heat
    As summer heats up (or you're listening to this in winter and have got the heater on really high), it's time we taught you how to beat the heat! We start by talking about the moment we 'know summer has arrived', the ozone layer and how we fixed the whole CFC thing?!! Right? Dion then takes us through UV ratings, we talk methods for applying sunscreen and asking people to rub sunscreen into your back. We then look…
  55. Dec 6, 2022 Patch #112 - How To Go Grocery Shopping
    Grab a handful of canvas bags and a gold coin because Welcome to Patchwork is teaching you how to go grocery shopping. What prompts you to go grocery shopping? How do you manage your shopping list? What's your shopping strategy once you step foot inside the supermarket? If you lose the person you're with, how do you find them? Should you ever shop on an empty stomach? This Patch is full of big questions with tiny…
  56. Nov 22, 2022 Patch #111 - How To Recycle
    In Patch 111, we rip the sticky tape off our cardboard packaging and chat all things recycling. We begin by asking ourselves why we recycle. Is it for the environment? Or is it to avoid the scorn of others? We explore why Josh goes through his housemate's rubbish, the magic and mystery of where our rubbish goes and the history of our attitude towards recycling. We then shift gears and talk about buying and selling…
  57. Nov 8, 2022 Patch #110 - How To Wait In A Line
    In Patch 110, we cloak our jackets, skip the queue and talk all things waiting in line. We start by exploring each of our first instincts when approaching a line. Josh establishes the core types of line: single, mess and multi-stream, whilst Christian declares himself a Line Captain. Is Dion cutthroat? Does he call out a line cutter? We discuss some of the best, worst and most embarrassing lines. Josh flips the…
  58. Oct 25, 2022 Patch #109 - How To Declutter Your Home
    In Patch 109, we roll around in the mud, feed from the trough and eventually discuss all things clutter and collectibles. We start by exploring how to best hide clutter in your very own home. Whether it's in piles, hidden in storage containers or blocking a robot vacuum, our clutter manifests in very different forms. But what even is a pile? And what is a container, if not simply a place to store your piles. We…
  59. Oct 11, 2022 Patch #108 - How To Send A Text Message
    BUMP! In Patch 108, we make sure our phone credit is topped up as we step into the world of text messaging. Josh encourages Christian and Dion to become cryptographers as we try to text-spell famous abbreviations; we dissect swiping on a keyboard and many other methods for typing; Christian admires how young people use their phones; Josh encourages us to soften our tone; Christian wonders when he should abandon…
  60. Sep 27, 2022 Patch #107 - How To Get Dressed For The Day
    From preparing the night before to cuffing your sleeves, Patch 107 covers the gamut of a morning dress up routine. Josh talks us through the first thing he does in the morning before putting on clothes; Christian explores the relationship between wearing nice clothes and being productive and Dion explains why he wears an elastic band as a bracelet. Josh stuns us with the structures and systems he has implemented in…
  61. Sep 13, 2022 Patch #106 - How To Enjoy A Flight
    Please keep your seatbelts fastened for Patch 106 as we teach you how to enjoy a flight! We start by covering what we pack in our carry on: Josh is obsessed with charging his devices, Dion has an interesting kind of neck pillow and Christian reflects on a magical moment with a reclining Italian man. We then look at what we first do to settle into the flight: where do you put your feet? do you think about what films…
  62. Aug 30, 2022 Patch #105 - How To Choose A Restaurant
    We all enjoy eating at restaurants. But have you ever really thought about how or why we choose those restaurants? In this Patch, we dive into some of the key considerations that go into picking a restaurant. Are you swayed by spruikers throwing in a glass of wine? Will you pick a 'feed me' option? Do you care about the name of the restaurant? In this episode, Josh expresses his love for menus stuck to the front…
  63. Aug 16, 2022 Patch #104 - How To Open A Door
    We navigate the difficult questions and considerations around walking through doors. First door in our line of sight is the revolving door. After dissecting some of the nuances of entering one of the revolving door 'slices', we look at some of the other classic doors: sliding doors, fly-screens, car doors, van doors and the enigmatic turnstiles and plastic strips at the front of milkbars. After talking about our…
  64. Aug 2, 2022 Patch #103 - How To Enjoy Your Birthday
    Should you wish someone happy birthday in a group thread if you've already wished them happy birthday in your own separate thread. We also ponder what questions you should ask someone on their birthday. Plus Christian reveals how many of his childhood birthdays were spent at Crown: A World of Entertainment. Plus find out if you can give Gordon's Gin as a present! Search for us on social media to see clips of the…
  65. Jul 19, 2022 Patch #102 - How To Try Before You Buy
    This week we give you the indispensable instruction manual on how to properly try shoes, clothes and cars. Dion gives us a surprise Roobois Challenge, and Christian writes the rulebook for when you can return items to a store. Search for us on social media to see clips of the show: We're on Instagram, Twitter, Tiktok and Facebook. linktr.ee/welcometopatchwork For a couple of dollars a month you can sign up to our…
  66. Jul 5, 2022 Patch #101 - How To Record A Podcast
    Dion, Christian and Josh are back for Season 7! Join the boys as they cast their minds all the way back to Episode 1 nearly five years ago. They discuss their updated 2022 insecurities, Dion gives an update on his never-ending revolving door of hairdressers, and of course, what they are now Doyens of. Plus old school games ”Monotoly” and Really Good! Remember to follow us on social media inc YouTube, Instagram,…
  67. Jun 21, 2022 Patch #100 - Is Saying Hello Or Goodbye More Important? (Melbourne International Comedy Festival 2022)
    Patch 100 was recorded LIVE at Brunswick Ballroom on April 9 2022 as part of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Josh confronts Dion about something he noticed whilst editing the podcast, we prioritise hellos and goodbyes and finally, discuss making room for dessert. We were also joined on stage by very special guests Meshel Laurie and Daniel Connell to talk stealing shopping trollies and kissing your…
  68. Jun 6, 2022 Quick Update & Planning For Season 7
    After months of radio silence, Christian, Dion and Josh are on the mend and ready to return. We wanted to record a quick update to let you know what we've been up to the last few months and our plans to return for Season 7. Thank you for holding down the fort. We're back!... That is our seat though. Yeah. The one you're sitting on. Yeah. We were sitting on it just before we left. Yeah but it doesn't matter that…
  69. Mar 29, 2022 Patchwork Rewind #2: 2021 Melbourne International Comedy Festival (Show 2)
    For the second week running, to whet your appetite for this year's Melbourne International Comedy Festival, here's a walk down memory lane to Show 2 last year. Get your tickets to this year's show (Sat 9 April at 1pm) here! https://www.comedyfestival.com.au/2022/shows/welcome-to-patchwork-100th-episode Recorded LIVE on April 18, 2021 at Comedy Republic as part of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Is it…
  70. Mar 23, 2022 2022 Comedy Festival (Sat 9 April) - Do You Tell People At Work If It's Your Birthday?
    https://www.comedyfestival.com.au/2022/shows/welcome-to-patchwork-100th-episode
  71. Mar 22, 2022 Patchwork Rewind #1: 2021 Melbourne International Comedy Festival (Show 1)
    To whet your appetite for this year's Melbourne International Comedy Festival, here's a walk down memory lane to Show 1 last year. Get your tickets for this year's show (Sat 9 April at 1pm) here: https://www.comedyfestival.com.au/2022/shows/welcome-to-patchwork-100th-episode Recorded LIVE on April 11, 2021 at Comedy Republic as part of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. What time does a host need to…
  72. Mar 8, 2022 Patch #99 - When Is It Appropriate To Compliment A Stranger?
    Christian received a wonderful compliment while riding his bike and he was thoroughly chuffed. He tells us about how chuffed he was. Megachuffed. Josh has big issues with message reactions. What was wrong with a good 'haha' or a 'lol' - there's too many options now and it's an absolute disgrace. Does reacting to a message signify simple acknowldgement or is it rude and dismissive? We also discuss if you should…
  73. Feb 22, 2022 Patch #98 - How Generously Should You Spread Butter On Toast?
    Josh wonders why Christian and Dion chose to print their name while signing the pair of elf slippers ew auctioned off. Turns out Christian would rather get a celebrity print their name rather than sign it. We all agree that shopping centre interactive maps are very confronting and give you a false sense of security until you instantly get lost at the corner of the National Geogrpahic and JB Hi-Fi wondering if you…
  74. Feb 8, 2022 Patch #97 - Would You Accept A Reward For Finding A Lost Pet?
    Josh attempts (and fails) to set the record straight about drinking Dion's beer - turns out he's technically correct, the best kind of correct, but morally bankrupt. Christian's shares his latest get rich quick scheme which is pet-napping. We also realise that losing your wallet isn't anywhere near as bad as it once was. Dion discovers that his work colleague owns the same pair of shoes that he does and he is…
  75. Jan 25, 2022 Patch #96 - Is It Uncool To Plan An Overseas Trip In A Spreadsheet?
    We're back baby! With a very special announcement and some classic Patchwork. There's bones to be picked and befores to get started. Christian takes issue with Josh trying to sell some Elf Slippers online which spirals into some hairbrained scheme of Christian's to list brand new clothes online the day he buys them. We also dive deep into what things make us feel cool and also uncool. One universal truth we seem to…
  76. Dec 21, 2021 Patch #95 - A Very Patchwork Christmas 2021
    Merry Christmas Patchworkers! In our annual Christmas episode we cover the Christmas menu. How fixed is your families Christmas menu? Do new dishes ever make it on? Christian has been trying (and failing) to add vegan dishes to his heavily Italian Christmas to no avail. Maybe 2021 will be the year. Christian also lays down his patented 'Gift Giving Guide' - it's all you'll ever need to figure out what to buy…
  77. Dec 14, 2021 Patch #94 - How Urgently Do You Fill Up A Low Petrol Tank?
    There's yet another twist to the saga of Samantha the turtle! Let's hope Josh stops milking a lost turtle for content, after this week. We find out who among us holds the record for 'most times car has completely run out of petrol' and how lazy they are. We fully cover our strategies for filling our tanks including some more life hacks from Dion's dad. We also try out a new segment called 'Good at, Bad at'. Josh is…
  78. Nov 30, 2021 Patch #93 - What’s The Furthest You’d Walk To An Event?
    Turns out that Dion hates a meandering walk but Christian and Josh love to go for a trot - conversation ensues. We find out our limits for how far we're willing to walk and under what conditions. Christian also reveals something shocking about his...
  79. Nov 16, 2021 Patch #92 - How Should You Pass The Time Whilst Waiting For A Food Delivery?
    We discuss if it's ok to simply hang up a phone call while it's ringing, or if you should let it ring out to be polite. Christian thinks that under no circumstance can you hang up and he takes us through his '4 ring classification system...
  80. Nov 2, 2021 Patch #91 - How I Became Friends With Kamahl
    Christian picks a bone with Josh's tuneless whistling. We discuss what we've been up to since lockdown has lifted here in Melbourne. Number one post lockdown activity on Dion's list was a hair cut - is that weird? I rekon it's a bit...
  81. Oct 19, 2021 Patch #90 - Are You Ever The First Person To Clap?
    How confident are you in being that first person to put their hands together at the end of a performance? It's a big risk, what if you get it wrong? They'll boo you out of the theatre, probably. We also critique those pointless empty gestures...
  82. Oct 5, 2021 Patch #89 - Should You Peel The Foil Entirely Off A Dip?
    We talk animal shelters, flat tyres and delivery estimate etiquette. Josh clumisly wades into dog eugenics while Christian can't stop talking about sexy dogs.We also go deep on dip. Should the foil stay or go once the seal has been broken? We j...
  83. Sep 21, 2021 Patch #88 - What Turns A Catch-Up Into A Night Out?
    "The boys are back in town, the boys are back in towwwnnnn." *sung to the tune of "Boys Are Back In Town".While we've been hating our lives in lockdown, Dion's been gardening and ruminating on what could've been if...
  84. Sep 16, 2021 Lockdown Update
    Hello Patchworkers, it's been too long! Sorry for not communicating clearly with you as to what's been going on with the show. The short version is: 'it's been a bit shit during lockdown here in Melbourne, hasn't it?'.A...
  85. Aug 3, 2021 Patch #87 - Do You Need To Leave A Light On When Someone Leaves The House?
    'What is the purpose of the front porch light if not to be left on for members of the household currently out of the house!?' says Josh indignantly during this episode. He's sick of fumbling with his keys while Christian sits inside laughing at how much electricity he's saving. The trio also ponder what's required of both parties when someone turns up to your house before you're ready. We also settle on our dream…
  86. Jul 20, 2021 Patch #86 - What Is A Reasonable Reaction To Seeing A Mouse?
    What is the etiquette surrounding after hours emails? Is there such a thing as an over-enthusiastic active listener? And Dion is shocked by Christian and Josh's reaction to seeing a mouse in their house - you won't believe what he says!  With very special guests 'Sound Check and of course 'Really Good'. Want more Patchwork? For a few dollars a month you can support us and get an extra mini-patch every-second…
  87. Jul 6, 2021 Patch #85 - Whose Responsibility Is It To Remove Tissues From Pockets Before A Wash?
    How do you apply sauce to your food? Are you a side or top saucer? Can you defer a house tour? What do you point out when giving someone a tour of your house? Whose responsibility is it to check pockets for tissues before a wash? Do you enjoy the feeling of a warm towel after a shower? With very special guests, Oh Wow, Mad Lifts and of course Really Good.    Want more Patchwork? For a few dollars a month…
  88. Jun 22, 2021 Patch #84 - How Much Water Should You Add To An Empty Shampoo Bottle?
    Dion encourages thieves to steal his car; Josh takes a nap, fully clothed; we discuss the lengths we all go to when using up the last little bits of a product and we help another listener who calls in to the Patchwork Helpline. With very special guests, Copy Cat, and Wheel of Fortune Cookie. Also a new live show is announced - Melbourne Podcast Festival August 1st! Want more Patchwork? For a few dollars a month you…
  89. Jun 8, 2021 Patch #83 - Do You Have A Strategy For Finding A Car Spot?
    Josh and Christian argue over a dinner order that never came to fruition; what is your strategy for finding a car spot? what is your desert island vegetable? what prompts you to leave an online review?    With very special guests, Oh Wow and 'Nearly' Good.  Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
  90. May 25, 2021 Patch #82 - Can You Ask A Friend To Put Their Phone On Silent?
    If you buy someone a lottery ticket and they win a prize, are you entitled to the rewards? Can you flip another person's phone over if it's distracting? Can you turn that same phone onto silent mode? Dion tells us the real story behind his Dad's Italian leather jacket swindle.    With very special guests, Welcome to the Ad Break, Quiet In The Library and, of course, Really Good. Support the show:…
  91. May 11, 2021 Patch #81 - How Should You React When Someone Uses A Word You Don't Know?
    Josh calls out Dion's birthday hypocracy; how do you remember to say happy birthday to somone? What is your reaction to someone who uses a word you don't know? Plus we open the Patchwork Helpline for the very first time and see if we can help a Patchworker cross the line from client to friend with his physiotherapist.  With very special guests, Quick Quiz and Really Good. Support the show:…
  92. Apr 27, 2021 Patch #80 - Is It OK To Leave A Live Performance Early?
    Recorded LIVE on April 18, 2021 at Comedy Republic as part of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Is it acceptable to leave a live event early? What should you do if you stop next to someone you know at the traffic lights? What are you responsibilities to others when leaving a room? With very special guests, Oh Wow of the week, Scrolling Through Time, Wheel of Fortune Cookie, DJ Drop from Prince Phillip's…
  93. Apr 13, 2021 Patch #79 - Do You Need To Stop Talking As A Waiter Places Cutlery At Your Table?
    Recorded LIVE on April 11, 2021 at Comedy Republic as part of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. What time does a host need to arrive to their event? Should you pause your conversation when a waiter begins to set your table? What's your favoutie style of chopping?  With very special guests, Oh Wow of the week, Forgive Me Father, Patchword of the Day and of course, your Really Goods! Support the show:…
  94. Mar 30, 2021 Patch #78 - When Should You Eat With A Napkin On Your Lap?
    When you should you lay a napkin on your lap? What is the best approach to haggling? What is your favourite type of ice cube? With very specials guests: Welcome to the Ad Break and, of course, Really Good. Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
  95. Mar 16, 2021 Patch #77 - What Are The Unique Circumstances That Warrant Swearing?
    When do you need to respond to a group message? Are the circumstances when it is reasonable to swear? What are the worst items of clothing you are willing to wear out of the house? With special guests Wheel of Fortune Cookie, Sound Check (Australian Idol Contestants) and of course Really Good.   Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
  96. Mar 2, 2021 Patch #76 - What's The Best Way To Clean Up A Broken Glass?
    Josh explores Christian and Dion's preferred placeholder names; we discuss our preferred strategy for cleaning a broken glass off the floor; Christian laments his walking speed. With special guests, Welcome to the Ad Break, Patchword of the Day and Really Good. We have 2 shows on at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival in April. Please search Welcome to Patchwork on the MICF website and buy your tickets now…
  97. Feb 9, 2021 Patch #75 - Do You Need To Ask Permission To Open A Car Window?
    Christian, Dion and Josh play Patchphrase; Dion has a Bone to Pick with Christian's personal use of the Patchwork social media accounts; not knowing when to use moisturiser; borrowing from the local library; when do you open windows?  With very special guests Copy Cat (Ghost Motorcycle), Wheel of Fortune Cookie and of course Really Good.  We're performing 2 LIVE SHOWS as part of this year's Melbourne…
  98. Jan 26, 2021 Patch #74 - Should You Wear An Apron While Cooking?
    Josh invents an interesting workplace neumonic device; is it necessary to wear an apron whilst cooking? Is all kitchen protective-wear absolutely shocking? If someone asks you to pass on a 'hello' to your partner, do you? How do your parents react when you leave their house? With very special guests Just Quickly with Josh, Sound Checks (Australian Prime Ministers) and of course, Really Good.    …
  99. Jan 12, 2021 Patch #73 - Do You Have A Favourite Stove-Top Burner?
    If a third person arrives at an event, where should you sit them? Do you have a favourite stove-top burner? Dion takes Josh shopping for shoes. With very special guests Copy Cat , Fork or Spoon and of course Really Good .   Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
  100. Dec 29, 2020 Patch #72 - Should Dinner Only Be Eaten At The Kitchen Table?
    Can food be flushed down the toilet? Where do you dispose of mouldy food? Is it possible to 'over-punctuate' your sentences? Does dinner need to be eaten at the kitchen table? With very special guests Oh Wow, Wheel of Fortune Cookies and Really Gouda. Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
  101. Dec 15, 2020 Patch #71 - Can You Takeaway Uneaten Food From A Restaurant?
    Are you a good recycler? Do you request to takeaway your uneaten food from a restaurant? Why do sportspeople avoid looking directly into the camera? Are you comfortable maintaining eye contact with others?    With very special guests Nursery Rhymes, Scrolling Through Time and of course your Really Goods. Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy…
  102. Dec 1, 2020 Patch #70 - How Much Time Should Be Spent Preparing A Snack? (Melbourne Fringe Festival 2020)
    Season 6 begins with a live recorded podcast for the Melbourne Fringe Festival! Are you particular about where things are left around the house? How do you react to cold water? Do you mind being wet? How much time should be spent preparing a snack?  Featuring special guests, Wheel Of Fortune Cookie, Hi Team and, of course, Really Good.  Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork See…
  103. Oct 8, 2020 Patch #14 - Season 1 Retrospective (Part 1) [Patchwork Classic]
    This episode originally aired on 20 September 2017.  Christian tells us about his ethnic upbringing (again), we revisit gift-giving, Josh hosts a houseparty, a sketch that didn't make the cut, Monotoly returns, Sah Great and a different take on 'Really Good' and a very special guest. Want more Patchwork? For a few dollars a month you can support us, get an extra mini-patch every-second week and get access to…
  104. Oct 1, 2020 Patch #34 - How Long Should You Keep A Birthday Card? ft. Andy Lee [Patchwork Classic]
    This episode originally aired on 24 October 2018. Featuring Andy Lee from the Hamish & Andy duo, discussing blinking in photos, birthday cards and the Andy-pasto. With very special guests Forgive Me Father, Mr Minute and Really Good. Want more Patchwork? For a few dollars a month you can support us, get an extra mini-patch every-second week and get access to behind-the-scenes videos. Visit…
  105. Sep 24, 2020 Patch #4 - The Watermelon Diaries [Patchwork Classic]
    This episode originally aired on 16 April 2017. Dion’s messy car, using the bathroom at work, talking to strangers, the holy trinity of Watermelon stories, eating food from stranger’s plates, stealing from supermarkets and dictators. With very special guests Really Good and New School Courtyard. Want more Patchwork? For a few dollars a month you can support us, get an extra mini-patch every-second week…
  106. Sep 17, 2020 Patch #25 - Curry, No Hurry [Patchwork Classic]
    This episode originally aired on 11 April 2018. The Highs and Lows of Josh's Great Social Experiment, Murphy's Buttered Toast, the Future of Cigarette Packaging and Part 1 of another Christian epic, 'Curry, No Hurry.' With very special guests, Really Good, Oh Wow and Trent's Rooibos Challenge . Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
  107. Jul 14, 2020 Patch #69 - What Should A Tea Towel Be Used For?
    Josh grows weary of Christian's incorrect use of tea towels. What should you store under your bed? Should you leave the fridge door open or closed when making multiple trips to the kitchen bench? Recounting things your parents forced you to do as kids.  With very special guests, Hi Team, Nursery Rhymes, Copy Cat and What's Your Favourite (Type of Flooring)? Support the show:…
  108. Jun 30, 2020 Patch #68 - Is It A Waste To Order Tea From A Cafe?
    Should you sit in the front seat when riding in an uber? When does a stranger stop being a stranger? Should you ever order tea at a cafe? Patch 68 was recorded live as part of our At Home With Patchwork YouTube Live series. With very special guests Oh Wow and Soundcheck (Australian Gameshow Hosts). Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
  109. Jun 16, 2020 Patch #67 - How Much Should You Tidy Up Before A Guest Arrives?
    Lasagna, plate or bowl? How much should you clean up before a guest arrives? And Dion battles for corporate justice with another Rooibos Challenge. Patch 67 was recorded live as part of our At Home With Patchwork YouTube Live series. With very special guests Copy Cat (clearing your throat) and Hi Team. Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
  110. Jun 2, 2020 Patch #66 - What Do You Consider When Describing Yourself?
    Christian is roasted by Josh for his attempts to get 'cosy'; finding an answering to the question, 'tell me a bit about yourself?' and we discuss our chopping skills. Patch 66 was recorded live as part of our At Home With Patchwork YouTube Live series. With very special guests Patchword Of The Day and Soundcheck.    Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork See omnystudio.com/listener…
  111. May 19, 2020 Patch #65 - How Many Lollies Can You Take From A Reception Desk Bowl?
    How long can you leave left overs in the fridge? What are the justifications for having a big night? Should you take lollies offered to you at a reception desk? Do you need to ask permission? Patch 65 was recorded live as part of our At Home With Patchwork YouTube Live series.  With very special guests Oh Wow and a fun new game, Soundcheck.  Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork See…
  112. May 5, 2020 Patch #64 - Do Your Socks Need To Match?
    Patch 64 was recorded live as part of our At Home With Patchwork YouTube Live series. Josh recounts his unique birthday party experience; how much effort do you put into coordinating your clothes? do you bring your shopping inside in one trip? With very special guests Copy Cat and of course Really Good.   Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy…
  113. May 3, 2020 YouTube Live Patch: How Should You Handle A Phone Call Drop Out?
    Due to the cancellation of the 2020 Melbourne International Comedy Festival and consequentially, our live shows, we decided to record a very special show via YouTube Live on April 26. If you want to WATCH this special Patch, head to our YouTube channel via youtube.com/welcometopatchwork . Who has the responsibility of calling back if a phone call drops out? Do you need to correct a typo in a text message? How many…
  114. Apr 7, 2020 Patch #63 - Should You Shower In The Morning Or At Night?
    Josh takes it upon himself to give himself a nickname; should you shower in the morning or at night; measuring the space inside of a bag; taking the bin out at the end of the week and enjoying a little sip.    With very special guests Really Good, Scrolling Through Time, Oh Palau and Problem, No Problem. Want more Patchwork? For a few dollars a month you can support us, get an extra mini-patch…
  115. Mar 24, 2020 Patch #62 - Should You Put Clothes Back On A Hanger After Trying Them On?
    Can you buy a gift for a baby that it can't use immediately? Should you put clothes back on a hanger after trying them on? Should you listen to the music of a gig you're about to go to? With very special guests Really Good, "Hi Team" and "Your Favourite". Want more Patchwork? For a few dollars a month you can support us, get an extra mini-patch every-second week and get access to behind-the-scenes videos. Visit…
  116. Mar 10, 2020 Patch #61 - At What Level Should You Refill Someone's Glass Of Water? ft. Tony Martin
    Episode 1 of Season 5 features the hilarious Tony Martin. We discuss where it's permissible to park when visiting a friend's home; preparing acceptance speeches for an award and the politics of refilling other people's glasses of water at a restaurant. With the return of Mr Minute, Forgive Me Father and Really Good.  You can listen to Tony Martin's Sizzletown through your favourite podcast app.  Want more…
  117. Feb 4, 2020 Patch #60 - Season 4 Retrospective (Part 2)
    It's the final Patch of Season 4 and we can't wait to get away from your clingy little ears! Christian confronts Dion about a recent phone call; we dissect if a text message is enough to dismiss the burden of communication; driving in convoys; how should you walk past someone who is seated at an event and another story from Nonno's Vege Patch. With very special guests Oh Wow, Copy Cat and House Music In The House…
  118. Jan 21, 2020 Patch #60 - Season 4 Retrospective (Part 1)
    Looking back through the eyes of Season 4, Christian, Dion and Josh discuss sitting at communal tables; having someone comment on your haircut; Johnny from Cardiff; Patchword Of The Day and a Rooibos Challenge. Want more Patchwork? For a few dollars a month you can support us, get an extra mini-patch every-second week and get access to behind-the-scenes videos. Visit https://linktr.ee/welcometopatchwork for more…
  119. Jan 7, 2020 Patch #59 - Can You Ask Staff At A Venue To Charge Your Phone? ft. Sammy J
    Our very special guest this episode is the multi-talented Australian comedian and composer, Sammy J. Do venues need to cater for customers who need their phones charged? Do you prefer to read a number or have it read to you? Do you have a distinct strategy for buffets?  With Scrolling Through Time, Forgive Me Father and Really Good.  Want more Patchwork? For a few dollars a month you can support us, get…
  120. Dec 22, 2019 Patch #58 - A Very Patchwork Christmas 2019
    Christian reflects on his Christmas Party Escape Room; Josh wonders whether a bill should be split evenly in all circumstances; and Dion seeks tree decoration advice.  Featuring Ho Ho of the Week, a Christmas Radio Announcement and Timmy Visits Santa 2019.  Want more Patchwork? For a few dollars a month you can support us, get an extra mini-patch every-second week and get access to behind-the-scenes…
  121. Dec 10, 2019 Patch #57 - Should You Offer Your Bed To An Overseas Guest?
    How much hospitality should you show an overseas guest? Under what circumstances can you ask to stay in someone's house whilst travelling? How many hands should you eat a burger with?  Featuring Really Good, Plate or Bowl and Copy Cat. Want more Patchwork? For a few dollars a month you can support us, get an extra mini-patch every-second week and get access to behind-the-scenes videos. Visit…
  122. Nov 26, 2019 Patch #56 - Does A Long Message Require An Equally Long Response?
    Do you need to be pleasant to friends you've bumped in to if you're in a rush? Do long messages always require proportionately long responses? When do you need to give up your seat on public transport? Featuring Really Good and a very special advert from Solymar Pioneers. Want more Patchwork? For a few dollars a month you can support us, get an extra mini-patch every-second week and get access to behind-the-scenes…
  123. Nov 12, 2019 Patch #55 - Is It Better To Leave A Small Tip Or No Tip At All?
    Should you always close the door when you're in the toilet? Do dinner plans require a time and venue to be officially confirmed? Is it better to leave a small tip or no tip at all?  With very special guests Scrolling Through Time and Josh finds The Drop. Want more Patchwork? For a few dollars a month you can support us, get an extra mini-patch every-second week and get access to behind-the-scenes videos. Visit…
  124. Oct 15, 2019 Patch #54 - Should You Clean Up Whilst Cooking Or After The Meal?
    Christian, Dion and Josh dream about their dream change room, discussing the dynamics of group conversation, Josh gets in character and finds the drop, Dion adds another chapter to his search for the perfect barber and finally should you clean up while cooking or after the meal? With very special guests Oh Wow and Really Good. Want more Patchwork? For a few dollars a month you can support us, get an extra…
  125. Oct 1, 2019 Patch #53 - What Do You Owe Someone Who Gives You A Lift?
    Would you share your lottery winnings? How about if the ticket was bought for you? Can you refuse to lend a book to a friend? Do you owe anything to the person giving you a lift? With very special guests Scrolling Through Time and Really Good. Want more Patchwork? For a few dollars a month you can support us, get an extra mini-patch every-second week and get access to behind-the-scenes videos. Visit…
  126. Sep 17, 2019 Patch #52 - Should You Cut Off Someone Who Is Repeating A Story?
    Dion freezes under the pressure of an overflowing beer; cutting off someone who is repeating a story; Christian picks a fresh story from Nonno's Vege Patch and Dion's European Rooibos Challenge. With special guests Oh Wow and Really Good. Want more Patchwork? For a few dollars a month you can support us, get an extra mini-patch every-second week and get access to behind-the-scenes videos. Visit…
  127. Sep 3, 2019 Patch #51 - Can An Object Save Your Spot In A Line?
    Can you let yourself into someone's house? Can a personal item save your place in a queue? And how long can you leave that item there before you lose your spot? Will you pay for an audio guide at a gallery?    With special guests, Plate Or Bowl?, Sneezing Through Time and Really Good. Want more Patchwork? For a few dollars a month you can support us, get an extra mini-patch every-second week and get…
  128. Aug 20, 2019 Patch #50 - How Many Chips Should You Take From A Packet Offered To You?
    Dion reflects on 50 episodes with his favourite barber. How many chips should you take from a packet offered to you? Can you use the milk from a communal kitchen for cereal? With special guests, Scrolling Through Time, Forgive Me Father and Really Good. Want more Patchwork? For a few dollars a month you can support us, get an extra mini-patch every-second week and get access to behind-the-scenes videos. Visit…
  129. Aug 6, 2019 Patch #49 - How Much Hospitality Do You Show A Tradie?
    Did you go on theme park rides as a child? How long should you suck on hard candy? How much hospitality do you show a tradesperson?  With special guests, Oh Wow and of course, Really Good. Want more Patchwork? For a few dollars a month you can support us, get an extra mini-patch every-second week and get access to behind-the-scenes videos. Visit https://linktr.ee/welcometopatchwork for more info and links to…
  130. Jul 23, 2019 Patch #48 - Where Should You Use A Small Hot Towel?
    Should you share roll on deodorant with someone else? Where should you use a small hot towel? Do you tuck in your sheets? With special guests, Scrolling Through Time and a new friend, Plate or Bowl. Want more Patchwork? For a few dollars a month you can support us, get an extra mini-patch every-second week and get access to behind-the-scenes videos. Visit https://linktr.ee/welcometopatchwork for more info and links…
  131. Jul 9, 2019 Patch #47 - Do You Need To Play Host For Your Housemate's Guests?
    Performing the perfect scooch manoeuvre; what to do with a wet tram seat and playing host for your housemate's guests. Featuring Oh Wow, Really Good and Tim Allen. Want more Patchwork? For a few dollars a month you can support us, get an extra mini-patch every-second week and get access to behind-the-scenes videos. Visit https://linktr.ee/welcometopatchwork for more info and links to our social media. Support the…
  132. Jun 23, 2019 Patch #46 - How Much Underwear Should You Pack For A Holiday?
    In the first Patch for Season 4, Christian, Dion and Josh discuss packing for overseas holidays; when you should ask someone how their day's been and the efficacy of wearing a good looking, broken watch. Featuring special guests, Oh Wow of the Week, Scrolling Through Time and Really Good. Want more Patchwork? For a few dollars a month you can support us, get an extra mini-patch every-second week and get access to…
  133. Jun 18, 2019 Live Patch #1: Should You Print Out Tickets For Live Events?
    Recorded live from The Grace Darling Hotel on May 25 2019. For the first time in front of a live audience, Christian, Dion and Josh discuss being photogenic, printing out tickets for live events, washing down food with a drink and their 'pillow situation'. With very special guests, Forgive Me Father and a LIVE AUDIENCE!  Want more Patchwork? For a few dollars a month you can support us, get an extra mini-patch…
  134. Jun 11, 2019 Season 4 Trailer
    Season 4 returns on Wednesday June 26! If you're craving some new WTP right now, head over to our Patreon for the FULL VIDEO of our first live recording from The Grace Darling Hotel in Melbourne (patreon.com/welcometopatchwork)
  135. Apr 30, 2019 Patch #45 - Season 3 Retrospective (Part 2)
    Our final episode for Season 3. Featuring an unfunny friend's hilarious response; Dion suffers the chimes of Christian's cascading alarms and the link between gifts and events. There are very limited tickets left for our live show on May 25...
  136. Apr 16, 2019 Patch #45 - Season 3 Retrospective (Part 1)
    Christian, Dion and Josh reflect on the Season 3 that was. Dissecting their poor hygiene, double dipping and learning to stack the dishwasher. Featuring very special guest, Microbiologist Mark to serve Welcome to Patchwork a petrie dish full of Season ...
  137. Mar 26, 2019 Patch #44 - How Many Tissues Do You Pull From The Box? ft. Alex Dyson
    With very special guest, Alex Dyson! Featuring Christian's failing green thumb, issues with tissues and hiding your spare keys for guests. Alex has a new podcast with Kyran Wheatley called Mirth! Alex and Kyran have also opened a pop up bar that...
  138. Mar 12, 2019 Patch #43 - Do You Sign The Back Of Your Credit Card?
    Christian takes a deep dive into smelling better, decoding washing machines and signing the back of credit cards. Plus Forgive Me Father, Oh Wow and of course, Really Good. If you're interested in signing up to Australia's newest digital ...
  139. Feb 26, 2019 Patch #42 - Can You Refuse To Catch Up With A New Friend?
    Christian sweats over his water bottle, refusing to catch up with new friends and Josh wonders how many reminders you need to give people before an event. Plus Quick Quiz, Oh Wow and of course, Really Good. If you're interested in signing up to...
  140. Feb 12, 2019 Patch #41 - Is There A Limit To Partner Sleepovers?
    Josh takes advantage of the facilities, skipping the queue and the limits to housemate sleepovers. If you're interested in signing up to Australia's newest digital only bank, search Up Bank in your app store and enter the promo code PATCH f...
  141. Jan 29, 2019 Patch #40 - Should You Call Out An Unfunny Friend?
    Josh keeps a text message close to his chest, a cross to the Australian Open broadcast and presenting a funny video to a friend. Want more Patchwork? For as little as $2 a month, you can listen to extra recordings, behind-the-scenes videos, plus heap...
  142. Jan 15, 2019 Patch #39 - Do You Trust GPS Over Local Road Knowledge?
    Josh tries to find Dion's hidden bar, trusting GPS directions, the Hubba Hubba Rooibos challenge and Forgive Me Father. Want more Patchwork? For as little as $2 a month, you can listen to extra recordings, behind-the-scenes videos, plus heaps mo...
  143. Dec 18, 2018 Patch #38 - A Very Patchwork Christmas 2018
    A Patchwork Christmas special featuring the return of Timmy and Santa, saying goodbye at gatherings and interacting with children. - Want more Patchwork? For as little as $1 a month, you can listen to extra recordings, behind-the-scenes video...
  144. Dec 4, 2018 Patch #37 - Should You Take The Elevator To The First Floor?
    The final instalment of Mr Minute, elevator chat, Dion's deception and disappointing actions by restaurants.
  145. Nov 20, 2018 Patch #36 - Do You Wake Up As Soon As Your Alarm Goes Off?
    Signing legal documents for friends, setting alarms in the morning and employee name tags. With special guests Mr. Minute and Wheelie Good.
  146. Nov 6, 2018 Patch #35 - Can Your Partner Also Be Your Best Friend?
    - Patchword of the Day, the last time you dropped your phone and the concept of food envy. With special guests Mr Minute and Really good!
  147. Oct 23, 2018 Patch #34 - How Long Should You Keep A Birthday Card? ft. Andy Lee
    Featuring Andy Lee from the Hamish & Andy duo; blinking in photos; birthday cards and the Andy-pasto. With very special guests Forgive Me Father, Mr Minute and Really Good.
  148. Oct 9, 2018 Patch #33 - Did Your Parents Cut Off Your Crusts?
    Josh eats an apple cutting the crust and answering questions about your holiday. With special guests, Mr. Minute and Really Good.
  149. Sep 25, 2018 Patch #32 - Should You Store Your Cups Upside Down?
    Tales from Tasmania; Dion tries sleeping in a hostel and how to store your cups. With special guests Mr Minute and Really Good.
  150. Sep 11, 2018 Patch #31 - How Many Biscuits Is It OK To Eat In One Sitting?
    Christian's Apple watch purchase and Josh's biscuit eating habits. With special guests Mr Minute, Do You Remember? and Really Good.
  151. Jul 10, 2018 Patch #30 - Season 2 Retrospective (Part 2)
    #MugQuest, Dion's increasing frustration with Google Home, our discussion about the party pop-in pops back in and the Curry, No Hurry Cross-Examination. With very special guests Oh Wow of the Week and Really Good.
  152. Jun 26, 2018 Patch #30 - Season 2 Retrospective (Part 1)
    The Patchwork host cheatsheet, we revisit email signatures and what to do with mail that's not yours. With a special retrospective-style take on Oh Wow of the Week and Really Good, plus Josh vs. Google; our final Rooibos Challenge for the Season.
  153. Jun 5, 2018 Patch #29 - Quick Sew Melbourne
    Josh's Bone to Pick with a listener, the Patchwork hosts get dressed up, debating Dion's deliberate misappropriation, getting out of conversations and our thoughts on gyms.
  154. May 22, 2018 Patch #28 - Detective Sass
    Christian and Dion's defining tram ride, Pythagoras pulls the short stick, being distracted on tours, taking photos with celebrities, leaving notes for strangers and Josh does some investigating.
  155. May 8, 2018 Patch #27 - I'd Subscribe To That
    Dion's chilling discoveries, Christian leverages a favour and we discuss the best ways to tell someone to shut the f**k up. With very special guests, Oh Wow, Really Good and the final installment of Curry, No Hurry.
  156. Apr 24, 2018 Patch #26 - The Metrics of Cancelling Plans
    The lesser of two carbonated evils, getting trapped by the Offside rule, Patch #24 gets reviewed, the metrics of cancelling plans and Part 2 of Curry No, Hurry. With very special guests, Oh Waleed of the Week and Really Good.
  157. Apr 10, 2018 Patch #25 - Curry, No Hurry
    The Highs and Lows of Josh's Great Social Experiment; Murphy's Buttered Toast; the Future of Cigarette Packaging and Part 1 of another Christian epic, 'Curry, No Hurry.'
  158. Mar 27, 2018 Patch #24 - Everybody Eats My Hummus ft. Andy Matthews
    The 2018 Melbourne International Comedy Festival starts this week and we're joined by comedian, writer, "Two In The Think Tank" podcast host and Patchwork mug recipient Andy Matthews.
  159. Mar 13, 2018 Patch #23 - Chrìstians Sans Frontières ft. Laura Dunemann
    With the 2018 Melbourne International Comedy Festival only weeks away, Melbourne based comedian, Laura Dunemann, visits the WTP studios to discuss her very concrete fear of flying, fighting over the front seat and kissing fruit.
  160. Feb 27, 2018 Patch #22 - A Bin's A Bin's A Bin
    The A to Zincs of living a healthy lifestyle, dealing with cluttered inboxes and Josh, again, proves frugal with his approval. With very special guests Oh Wow, Forgive Me Father and Really Good.
  161. Feb 13, 2018 Patch #21 - Going Cold Chappie
    - Christian can't let silence sit, Dion can't stop blinking and Josh tells us about his experiences going cold chappie. Featuring specials guests House Swap, Oh Wow and Really Good.
  162. Jan 30, 2018 Patch #20 - Flapping Soles
    Josh’s attitude to takeaway food containers, Dion gets his shoes repaired, Josh and Dion confront their friend Jackson, paying for meals, a new Rooibos Challenge, Oh Wow of the Week and Really Good!
  163. Jan 16, 2018 Patch #19 - "OK, Butler"
    Christian uses Google Home for the first time, we discuss our toilet habits and transitioning to adulthood, Christian wins a competition he never entered, Dion opens the door on an unsuspecting victim. Plus, Oh Wow of the Week and Really Good. &nbs...
  164. Jan 2, 2018 Patch #18 - Very Meshy Shorts
    Christian and his friend bring holy bread to a music festival, meshy shorts, ruggers, and what constitutes underwear, unfriending someone on Facebook, and Christian whimps out. Plus Forgive Me Father, Oh Wow of the Week and Really Good
  165. Dec 19, 2017 Patch #17 - A Very Patchwork Christmas
    In this special Christmas Patch, Josh gets no love from a girl at Officeworks, we chat about our Christmas experiences, including gift giving and visiting Santa, with special guests Oh Ho of the Week and Really Good!
  166. Dec 5, 2017 Patch #16 - Unfit For Human Habitation
    - Dion visits Christian's Italian Grandparents house, Josh attempts to get repairs done in his rental house, we discuss if you should wait for your friend to enter their house after dropping them off, as well as if there are too many hellos and g...
  167. Nov 21, 2017 Patch #15 - Leave A Message If You Wish
    Dion dirties Christian’s car, the perfect voicemail message, The Confessional, discussing life’s routines including sleeping and clipping nails, and of course, Really Good!
  168. Oct 4, 2017 Patch #14 - Season 1 Retrospective (Part 2)
    Dion's mum reviews Patchwork, revisiting dirty laundry protocol, childhood bedrooms, becoming a man, revisiting bullying, Oh Wow of the Week, Rooibos Challenge, Christian as an Extra and Really Good.
  169. Sep 20, 2017 Patch #14 - Season 1 Retrospective (Part 1)
    Christian tells us about his ethnic upbringing (again), we revisit gift-giving, Josh hosts a houseparty, a sketch that didn't make the cut, Monotoly returns, Sah Great and a different take on 'Really Good' and a very special guest.
  170. Aug 30, 2017 Patch #13 - The Adventures of Car Man and Computer Boy
    What to do when your fly is undone, have food in your teeth or no clothes tags showing, conventions relating to sneezing and bless you, the Mattress Story, rules for “Established In”, Oh Wow of the Week and Really good.
  171. Aug 15, 2017 Patch #12 - A Full Tank Of Rock
    Josh sells stuff on Gumtree, Burgo's Storage Unit, A Casual Quest, Christian's infamous escapade, Mad Lifts, sustainability and Really Good.
  172. Aug 2, 2017 Patch #11 - No Gifts Means No Gifts
    High School band practice, Josh mispronouncing Dion's name, Oh Whoaw Of The Week, Tinder and online dating, Magazines, Uber Greets, The Rooibos Challenge, Gift Giving and Really Good.
  173. Jul 19, 2017 Patch #10 - How To Pickup A 65 Year-Old CEO
    Christian’s eventful tram ride, Mad Lifts, Dion tries to pick-up a dad, The Rooibos Challenge, A Casual Quest at the Ski-fields, Gandhi and Really Good.
  174. Jul 4, 2017 Patch #9 - Lovely Leathery Juice
    Rooibos Challenge, A Casual Quest, Christian in a cafe, Dion takes an Uber, where we keep our dirty clothes, Josh has 12 pairs of jeans and Really Good.
  175. Jun 21, 2017 Patch #8 - Dreaming of Chinese Starfish
    Dream analysis, Monotoly, overseas call centres, complaining to companies, Mad Lifts, stealing lemons and Really Good.
  176. Jun 7, 2017 Patch #7 - In Defence of Gelato Messina
    Dion finally cleans his car, we visit Gelato Messina, discuss luxury products and premium water, Christian gets star-struck, clothes shopping with Josh’s mum, plus Monotoly and Really Good.
  177. May 24, 2017 Patch #6 - The Pinball Wizard
    Christian’s first experience with online bullying, Mad Lifts, interacting with shop assistants, babies, booster seats and Really Good
  178. May 10, 2017 Patch #5 - Semi Flexitarian
    A strange goodbye, being unemployed, Christian the Extra, social sports, stealing Josh's hat, boyfriend fashion, food labels, fetishes, the Apex Gang and Dion encounters an annoying voice. With very special guests Really Good and Monotoly (Cinema).
  179. Apr 26, 2017 Patch #4 - The Watermelon Diaries
    Dion’s messy car, using the bathroom at work, talking to strangers, the holy trinity of Watermelon stories, eating food from stranger’s plates, stealing from supermarkets and dictators. With very special guests Really Good and New School Courtyard.
  180. Apr 12, 2017 Patch #3 - Beautiful Italian Tomatoes
    Featuring oral hygiene, Christian’s tomatoes, when to eat expired food, buying new clothes and unaccountable professions. With very special guests, Monotoly (Butcher Shop), Really Good.
  181. Mar 29, 2017 Patch #2 - Tongue Bucket
    Sneaking things into sports events, global economics, Christian’s unhealthy obsession with candles, buying alcohol as kids, Dion's mannequin hands and Christian's infamous speech impediment.
  182. Mar 4, 2017 Patch #1 - Long Haired Women
    Hairdressers and dentists, bullying, camping, the automation of jobs and Dion the doyen. Christian, Dion and Josh kick-off Patch 1 of Welcome To Patchwork.
  183. Feb 28, 2017 Patch #0 - Welcome to "Welcome To Patchwork"
    Don't know what episode to listen to first? Start here! Patches are released every second Wednesday. Join the Patchwork community on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.
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Page updated November 13, 2026.